The girl who feared happiness – Shot -1

Sleep and I forget everything ..

Sleep and I forget everything ..
It has been like this for years.. I don’ know exactly when I was infected with this strange disease.
But each day when I wake up, its like a brand new chapter.. I just forget those events from yesterdays which should have been crystal clear .
I really don’t seem to remember what I did but people always sound funny.. They accuse me of something which I could not recall. There was that weird feeling of being accused that made me to look into myself and understand the abnormalities in me.
Those incidents continued and my tears on  my pillow spoke the words for me. I understood the emptiness in my life. My life was blocking out my memory of yesterdays ..

The funniest part – “Not everything”.

I could not understand what it was like to be cheated by the memories.
I wanted to scream..
beg for my memories ..
Please leave my memories with me .. I wanted to look into them, understand my mistakes, rectify them and move on.
Give me a chance to change myself.
But my memories were locked away.
How can it erase all those memories when I stood there like a laughing stock.
Uncertainties in life – I hate those..
Not knowing the emotional stress that you encountered the previous day, washed away with the tides of tears. It was becoming tedious.

When this continued, I had no option but to wait and watch what was in store for me. Some days I cried and slept like a baby, tried of everything that  my life was pounding me with. It was always like that; when everything was going smooth, my life would throw a fit. With out a twist my journey would be incomplete.
Moments like those made me fear about how my journey will be, how it will be completed with the twists and turns.

I was afraid, if I woke up from the dreams..
It  will be destroyed and once again I will be coerced to enter the fearful dreaded reality ..
was far well off from the reality and loved to live in the dreams but dreams were not always the solace. I wanted to be like others and wanted to embrace the warmth and solace of happiness. But it was far from me.

In between all those emotional dramas, I was very happy when I got my little kitty.. All day I would play with it and its company made my heart melt. By then I was aware of my life’s mysterious way of holding me back from my happiness.
It was on the eve of  a new year, my little kitty was called back and I kept crying knowing that I am to forget the impact it had on my little heart. I was going to forget all the moments I had with my catty and I wont remember anything.

Slowly but steadily my happiness were taken away by those uncertainties  and the hurdles in my life.
Instead of striking back, my soul was crushed and I was becoming allergic to …. happiness.

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The girl who feared happiness – Shot -2

Exploring the unknown.

Life is  a mystery and I am trying to solve the puzzle..

There he comes, as late as usual to attend our annual higher secondary cultural program meeting… He sat opposite to me and spread out a warm smile. His smile was enough for me not to get close to him. I tend not to notice him and involved in the discussion .. But sooner or later destiny had to put us together in various awkward situations … It always made me think how he was able to make me smile and remove the slightest fear or agony..

I was back to being normal …
I just wished upon a star not to break my dream …
Let me live with those sweet memories … Least I want them to be tarnished with the monsters of my mind…

Two people from different backgrounds with different personalities came together.. Shared their worlds, fears & happiness. The solace the two hearts found was astonishing.
The rapport, the banter and stealing eyes.. those made her heart beat..
Yet never uttered the word love to each other.
Both were afraid.

He was afraid if this will turn out to be like his previous affair  and she was afraid if it hurts falling in love. 

Everyday I waved him goodbye standing in my balcony. Until I had to change my hostel. That was a private moment which I cherished.

We talked, argued, fought and still I found solace in him.  I could talk anything.. any stupid thoughts. He would answer my queries like answering a little child.

He told her many times he like her.. But when she tried to confirm it , he always turned it as a joke.  He was afraid if she will walk away from him..
She wanted assurance and he thought she may reject him.

It  was really a tormenting feeling .
The heart knows what that feeling is but my brain and my memories refused to believe them. We both lacked the courage to pursue the desires of heart and left it unresolved to the very end.

My unusual life which always brought up some troubles and twists in my life .. I prayed one last time, not to torment me any more and bring a twist which can make my unusual boring life to normal …. with him.
But I was asking for more than what I deserved.

But life had another twist to play and we had to part ways.. He had to go back to his native and I was left alone.
Bidding a good bye was heart wrenching. I no longer had the strength to endure it.
On his last day at our school.. I intended to visit him and bid a good bye.  When I asked him if it will create any scene .. I was not pointing at the gossips or other problems, instead I was wondering if I will be creating a scene crying my heart out. I don’t know if I will be able to bid him a farewell with out crying. I thought it is better to leave him as such.. It was better if we don’t meet again. I decided not to meet him one last time.

That was how I planned to end our journey .. but to my dismay my life had other plans and I had to go to his place and seeing him stand there I had no choice but to  bid a quick bye .. And I clearly remember my cracked voice .. I was finding it difficult to talk .. breath was short and I had to get away from him .. Never will he know that I will forget everything about him once I sleep and wake up. I will have to force myself to rack my brains and  remember what was inflicting me with this pain.  I am thanking my self for being inflicted with this allergy ..but at the same time I fear if I will forget him just like I forget everything else.

I was very sure I wont be seeing him again in my life. Even when he asked me if everything was alright, I was crying my heart out silently weeping so that my roommate doesn’t hear me ..

As always said in my matter.. the  fun filled journey had to put an abrupt stop as my demons took away my mind… I tried hard, not to give in .. But there was no  stopping them … And I was back to being the allergic girl again … I was contemplated on how my life was nothing but a sanctuary for the darkness..
I learned that he was an anchor, which I can’t use anymore to keep my demons at bay..
They had grown stronger .. And abruptly I ended it there.. I don’t want to forget anything but my heart was reckoning me to thank him for making me feel like I am normal just like others.. Thank you..

The girl who feared happiness – shot 3

Lullaby a song unsung

Its spring again but I can only wonder what my last spring was like.
My disease have grown so strong that I don’t know where I am heading.. I can now remember only those things which leaves a trail. I am still that girl who has grown so strong against happiness.
Life is still giving me twists and turns..
Its like expecting the unexpected..

When you take a step, your life is ready to give surprises and you keep on guessing whats the new twist it is going to bring in. This guessing game has gone too far that I don’t find it any more interesting. Why doesn’t it give me some exciting puzzles… the one which can make my heart thump up with joy..

Now that I know what my life is intending to do with me .. I am enjoying it to the fullest… In between I have started to enjoy all the small things in  my life, trying to steal them away from the dark shadows of my life ..

I also feel happy when I can predict whats the next twist that my life is planning to give me.
One thing I learned is, take what ever you can from this life ..
Live the way you want it to be..
Express your views & thoughts, may be others will be able to understand you.
Even though it may not be appropriate, its ok to confess.
May be life has a way of giving back everything it has taken from you.  Even the saddest and the happiest memories will be recreated.. I have noticed one more thing about my life and that is my inability to remember those incidents which could have been bad for me .. Never once, my life took away my memories of happiness .. It gives me a big relief that my life is so considerate of me ..
It never fails to astonish me !!
Always putting things that are needed and valuable in life, and removing those junks that could pollute my thoughts.
Even though I cry remembering the path that life makes me walk .. I can assure myself it was much needed  as I was able to see only the goodness around me ..
Even when I curse my life of becoming allergic to happiness it encouraged me to see the world through a different light.. Happiness is not something that can be captured.. The more you try to run behind it , it eludes.
I am happy that I can enjoy each and every moments in life with out thinking whats going to happen next; even though  the  feeling of badness still lingers, I have confidence that once I sleep and wake up I will forget it ..
Each night I wait for the life to sing its lullaby ..

And I am enjoying the song ..
“Sleep and I forget everything ..”